I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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