Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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