Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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