So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
