FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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