I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
