I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
