More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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