I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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