pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
