I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Randomize
