How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
