Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
