Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
