I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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