I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
