I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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