someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
