Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Randomize
