11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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