Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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