I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
