Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Randomize
