She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
