he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
