he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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