my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
