I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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