So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
