i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
