this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
