Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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