when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
