In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
