I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
