Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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