if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
