Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
