opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Did you just see the Batmobile???
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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