Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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