At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
They should really pass out barf bags in church
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
