I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
