u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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