I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
