ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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