Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I smell stomach acid.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
