I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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