look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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