i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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