Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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